The "Best Of" Christmas List

I’ll start off by saying this might seem a little more rushed than the standard Skrimshander Articles column. That’s because I’m trying to give it a quick write-up and get it off my “to do” list. I’m doing the first draft on Dec. 13, with the days before a week’s vacation melting away amid preparations to pack up and get things in order for a fill-in editor.

It also occurred to me that most readers are going to be shunning the computer today in favor of chasing after those sugar plums and stocking stuffers and all the rest, so readers might be scant indeed. I thought back, 10 years back it turns out, to an old Jack Handy sketch on Saturday Night Live in which he makes a completely random “best of” list. His choices soon come to be exclusively vampire and wax related, as his funding came from special interest groups that apparently exist for those things.

A Christmas-themed “best of” listed seems appropriate for a quick and fun Sunday column, so let’s give it a shot:

• Best Day Of Christmas: December 25
• Best Edible Tree Ornament: Candy canes
• Best Christmas Story: A Christmas Story
• Best Proto-Christmas Celebration: Saturnalia
• Best Christmas Birthday: Jesus of Nazareth
• Best Non-Jesus Christmas Birthday: Isaac Newton
• Best Christmas Carol: In Excelsis Deo
• Best Christmas Carl: Carl Haviland (Greenville, Tenn.)
• Best Christmas Drink: The Blitzen
• Best Embarrassing Christmas Relative: Joey “Knuckles” Claus
• Best Christmas Contest:
• Best Multiple Santa Explanation: Antimatter Santa and Evil Doppelganger Santa (tie)
• Best “War On Christmas” Battle: The Siege of Gingerbread Heights
• Best Post-Christmas Entertainment: New Year’s Eve
• Best Merry Christmas: This one. Have a merry Christmas, everyone!